Moving On, But Not Forgetting

I did something today that I didn't think I would be able to do for months. I got up the courage to put Sammy's things away. For the past 6, almost 7, weeks I have been wrestling with myself about packing away her clothes and blankets and diapers.

Today I decided I was ready. Well, mostly ready. I packed away the diapers, saving them for the day when another special spirit will join our family. I boxed up the blankets, except for the ones that still smell like Sammy. Those I keep by my bed for nights when I am especially missing my baby. I finally put away those last few outfits in her dresser. I'm not quite ready for her clothes to go to storage. But putting them in the drawer, out of sight, but within an arm's reach, is a big step for me.

I will never forget my baby. But I'm glad that I'm starting to move on with life.

Three Months

Yesterday was a hard day. Sammy would have been 3 months old. As I looked at pictures, I noticed how much she changed from birth to one month and one month to two months. I couldn't help but think about how much she would have changed from two months to three months.

She was such a strong baby--even the doctor at the hospital commented on her strength. She held her own head up for the first time when she was only 1 day old. She just lifted her head off my chest and looked around. It makes me wonder if she would be rolling over yet. Would she lift herself up and rest on her forearms during tummy time yet? Would her eyes still be blue? or would they have changed to brown like Kimberly's did? Would she have laughed for the first time yet? What would her voice sound like when she cooed at me for the first time? How much would she weigh now? These and a hundred other questions filled my mind yesterday, and I'm sure they will on the 15th of every month.

I am so heart-broken for what would have been.