Abracadabra

For quite awhile my children believed that a mommy went to the dentist to have a baby. Makes sense if you think about it from their perspective: food goes in your belly; it gets there through your mouth. If you throw up food, that comes out your mouth. So of course a baby in your belly has to come out of your mouth. What kind of doctor looks in your mouth? A dentist. See? Completely logical.

Now that my kids are a little older, they know I go to a "regular" doctor to have a baby. But apparently Ellie thought I also went to the doctor to get the baby in my belly, as is illustrated by our after-dinner conversation.

E: Mom, how do you get pregnant?

. . . silence while I gather my thoughts. . .

M: Hmm. That's an interesting question. Why do you ask?

E: Well, I just want to know how the doctor gets that baby in your belly.

M: Well, the doctor doesn't put a baby in my belly.

E: Who does?

M: A daddy puts a baby in a mommy's belly.

E: Oh. But hooow does he do that? Like, I want to know what you do to get it in there.

M: Well. . . . after a mommy and daddy get married then they sleep naked together. But only after they are married.

E: That sounds like magic.

M: It is pretty magical.

Ellie has a thoughtful look on her face before she finally says, But daddy always sleeps with his pajamas on!

Luckily that was the end of our conversation. I'm not sure I could have answered any more questions with a straight face.

**Disclaimer**

After rereading this I realized that it would be easy to assume that I'm actually pregnant. This is not the case. Several weeks ago I had a miscarriage, and Makayla & Ellie wanted to know why I kept going to the doctor and taking new medicines, etc. I figured they were old enough for me to tell them. Ever since then, Ellie has been extremely curious about people's bodies and pregnancy and all things baby.

Birthday

Today is my angel baby's birthday.

I have written and erased several posts in the last 15 minutes. I can't decide how I feel.
A little angry.
A little sad.
A little peaceful.
A little happy?
A lot numb.
All appropriate, I think.

I still haven't decided if I want to celebrate in some way. Sometimes I think yes. Sometimes I think no. So far, today just feels very confusing.

2012

I love a new year! I love feeling like I get a fresh start. I love resolutions--even though I think most people don't take them seriously and make the same ones every year without actually working toward them.

So here are my 2012 resolutions and goals. (In my mind a resolution is a determination to act or be a certain way; whereas, goals are concrete things to work towards and accomplish.)

1. I resolve to be more kind. It's not that I'm completely thoughtless and mean. I just think I could make a more conscious effort to show kindness to family, friends and strangers.

2. Continue working towards my weight loss and getting healthy goal. I started exercising and watching what I eat in September. I feel stronger. I have more energy. And as a result of my positive changes, I am losing weight. I will reach my weight loss goal in August or September.

3. Take more pictures. Every day since Sammy died I wish that I had more pictures and videos of her. I don't want to wake up one day and wish the same thing about my other children. I'm not crazy enough to think I could ever do one of those picture-a-day challenges. That's just not me. But what I can do is get my camera out a little more often.

4. Pay off some debt. We currently have 2 car loans, 2 student loans, and a small amount on our low-interest credit card. My goal is to pay off 2 of the 5 by the end of December.

I'm going to write these down and keep them by my desk where I will see them every day. And by this time next year I will be a kinder, smaller, richer person.

Here's to 2012 being better to me than 2011!!