Getting Ready For Christmas. Or Not.

This holiday season is proving quite difficult. More so than I expected. I'm very emotional and not at all in the "Christmas Spirit."

This girl, who every year can hardly stand to wait til Thanksgiving is over to start the Christmas music, has not played one carol yet.

This girl, who loves Christmas countdowns and advent calendars, has not bothered to dig them out of storage.

This girl, who 2 years ago had all her Christmas shopping completed by NOVEMBER!, has not bought 1 gift for her children.

This girl, who can't wait for the sun to go down and drive around town looking at Christmas lights and decorations, has only gone out once to do so--preferring, instead, to stay home with the curtains drawn.

I just can't feel the excitement that I usually do. It all feels so hollow and contrived. I'm really hoping to get it together. If not for me, then definitely for my girls.

Snow!!

We bought a new house in September (more on that later) and one of our favorite things about it is the Humongous back yard!! Yesterday we got about 12 inches of new snow. Kasey and the girls had so much fun playing outside in it.

Kimberly attempting a snow angel

Makayla & Kimberly loved tackling Daddy in the snow.

(I think he liked it too!)

"Look Mom! It's wintertime!"

Ellie and Makayla making snow angels on the deck.

10 Months Old

Sammy would be 10 months old today. 10 months! I think of her every day of the month, but especially on the 15th. I find myself wondering what she would be doing. Crawling for sure. Standing up to the furniture maybe. Saying mama and dada. She would probably have some sort of sound to represent each sister. I wonder what would be her favorite food. Would she favor one blanket or toy above the others? Would her eyes have stayed blue? (I always think about that one.) I wonder who she would look like. In some of her pictures she looks like Ellie and others more like Kimberly. Which is strange because Kimberly and Ellie looked nothing alike as babies. At least I don't think so.

Sammy, 5 weeks

Makayla, 12 months (for some reason I can't find any of her at 10 months)

Ellie, 9-1/2 months

Kimberly, 10 months

It's so hard to tell who she would look like. Maybe that's because she just looks like Sammy.

Snowman Fridge

A friend showed me this idea on pinterest. I thought it was so cute that I came home and did it to my fridge. Makayla and Ellie had a blast cutting out the pieces and taping them on the fridge. I love snowmen! This makes me smile every time I walk by it.

Bitter Sweet

See these sweaters? I ordered them in February. They arrived in March. I ordered them a size big for each girl. I was so excited for all four girls to wear them this fall. I had kind of forgotten about them until Makayla put hers on for school. Then Ellie came out of her room with her sweater on. Then Kimmy ran to her room shouting, "I want to match!" It wasn't until I saw all three of them together that I remembered there was another sweater. A little matching sweater size 9 months that was supposed to be for my 9-1/2 month old baby. I started searching through boxes frantically with tears running down my cheeks. And then I found it. I lined up the girls on the couch with their matchy sweaters, just like I had planned to do in February when I ordered them. It was so fun for me to see all the girls lined up there. It reminded me of pictures of me and my sisters lined up in matchy dresses when we were younger. But as fun as it was, it was also a little sad. Sad to see that tiny little sweater that will never be worn by my tiny little girl who left this earth far too soon.

A Moment of Joy

This is the only picture I have of my entire family. It was taken on March 6, Sammy's blessing day. It brings me so much joy!

Please Ask

Mothers love talking about their kids. If you have kids, this comes as no surprise to you, I'm sure. I'm eager to talk about any one of my girls to anyone that will listen. Why do you think I blog? To brag about my adorable children, of course! Samantha is no exception. Even though she isn't here with me physically, I carry her around in my heart and mind daily. And just because I can't share the first time she rolled over or the face she made upon tasting green beans for the first time or any other little milestone, doesn't mean I don't want to share things from those precious 8 weeks I had with her. This includes her death and funeral.

I find that people are hesitant to talk to me about her, even though they may be curious. I think there is the fear that it is too difficult to talk about or that they will inadvertently offend me. That may be true for other mothers, but for me that is not the case. You will not offend me by asking questions, and it is not difficult for me to talk about.

If there is something you want to know, just ask! I assure you that answering a difficult question is far better than being avoided because you don't know what to say. Remember! I love talking about my kids! ;)