Moving On, But Not Forgetting

I did something today that I didn't think I would be able to do for months. I got up the courage to put Sammy's things away. For the past 6, almost 7, weeks I have been wrestling with myself about packing away her clothes and blankets and diapers.

Today I decided I was ready. Well, mostly ready. I packed away the diapers, saving them for the day when another special spirit will join our family. I boxed up the blankets, except for the ones that still smell like Sammy. Those I keep by my bed for nights when I am especially missing my baby. I finally put away those last few outfits in her dresser. I'm not quite ready for her clothes to go to storage. But putting them in the drawer, out of sight, but within an arm's reach, is a big step for me.

I will never forget my baby. But I'm glad that I'm starting to move on with life.

Three Months

Yesterday was a hard day. Sammy would have been 3 months old. As I looked at pictures, I noticed how much she changed from birth to one month and one month to two months. I couldn't help but think about how much she would have changed from two months to three months.

She was such a strong baby--even the doctor at the hospital commented on her strength. She held her own head up for the first time when she was only 1 day old. She just lifted her head off my chest and looked around. It makes me wonder if she would be rolling over yet. Would she lift herself up and rest on her forearms during tummy time yet? Would her eyes still be blue? or would they have changed to brown like Kimberly's did? Would she have laughed for the first time yet? What would her voice sound like when she cooed at me for the first time? How much would she weigh now? These and a hundred other questions filled my mind yesterday, and I'm sure they will on the 15th of every month.

I am so heart-broken for what would have been.

Autopsy Results

Kasey and I visited with Sammy's doctor last week. He said he received the autopsy results for Sammy. Apparently she died of a rare combination of RSV and Influenza A which caused sleep apnea. She just went to sleep. She didn't suffer. She wasn't in pain. She just took her final breath and slipped peacefully away.

Dr Y had been on the phone all morning with doctors from the CDC and Infectious Disease Specialists. What they told him was that the combination of the 2 diseases was too much for her little body to handle. It hit her hard and fast--she died within 72 hours of her first symptoms. I guess the thing that brought me the most comfort was when Dr Y said that even if Sammy had been in the hospital, the chances of her surviving were extremely slim.

What a blessing to know that if she had to die, she did it in our home where she was surrounded by the people who loved her most! What a blessing that she didn't die alone in a cold, sterile hospital hooked up to machines!

As I look back on the past 2 months I see so clearly how the Lord has prepared us to deal with this tragedy. And when I think of those things, I begin to feel at peace.

Aching For My Baby

My lips long to kiss [her] brow
My eyes yearn to see
My arms ache to call [her] back, to hold close to me.

These are words from the song sung at Sammy's funeral on Friday. They have never felt truer than tonight. I want so desperately to hold her and rock her and sing to her. To kiss her little head and nuzzle my nose in her neck. I miss her smell, her toes, her warmth. I miss her cry and how she still squeaked when she slept. I would give anything to change one more poopy diaper or be puked on one more time. I wish I had given her just one more bath or kissed her just one more time or held her for just one more minute. I miss my Sammy!

My Sammy

Born: January 15, 2011

Died: March 13, 2011

Our sweet Sammy returned to heaven on Sunday. We are devastated. Never in a million years would I think this is something we would have to endure. I feel like this nightmare belongs to someone else and wish I could wake up from what surely must be a dream.

We cherish every moment we had with Sammy and every picture that was taken; although, now it feels like there aren't enough of either.

I know there are questions about how she died. We have an idea what happened, but until we get the final autopsy report I don't want to say anything.

If I may, I ask you to please pray for our family. The help of our loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ is the only way we will be able to make it through this.

The Newest Addition

Meet Samantha Marie

Here she is at 3 weeks.

She weighed 7lbs 6oz and measured 18-3/4 inches at birth. It's quite a story, but one that will have to wait for another time. I can't count how many times people told me that going from 3 to 4 kids is way easier than going from 2 to 3. I beg to differ. It's been a big adjustment and I am only now starting to figure out how to keep up with 4 kids and laundry and dishes and cleaning and showering (myself and the kiddos) and feeding everyone 3 times a day, etc. As you can imagine, blogging is not exactly on the top of my to-do list. I'll get to it when I can. But in the mean time, don't expect much.

Oreos!

What could be better than oreos with Daddy?



Not much!

It's been a really long time since I posted a picture of Kimberly (or any of my girls for that matter). She's changed so much since June!