Abracadabra

For quite awhile my children believed that a mommy went to the dentist to have a baby. Makes sense if you think about it from their perspective: food goes in your belly; it gets there through your mouth. If you throw up food, that comes out your mouth. So of course a baby in your belly has to come out of your mouth. What kind of doctor looks in your mouth? A dentist. See? Completely logical.

Now that my kids are a little older, they know I go to a "regular" doctor to have a baby. But apparently Ellie thought I also went to the doctor to get the baby in my belly, as is illustrated by our after-dinner conversation.

E: Mom, how do you get pregnant?

. . . silence while I gather my thoughts. . .

M: Hmm. That's an interesting question. Why do you ask?

E: Well, I just want to know how the doctor gets that baby in your belly.

M: Well, the doctor doesn't put a baby in my belly.

E: Who does?

M: A daddy puts a baby in a mommy's belly.

E: Oh. But hooow does he do that? Like, I want to know what you do to get it in there.

M: Well. . . . after a mommy and daddy get married then they sleep naked together. But only after they are married.

E: That sounds like magic.

M: It is pretty magical.

Ellie has a thoughtful look on her face before she finally says, But daddy always sleeps with his pajamas on!

Luckily that was the end of our conversation. I'm not sure I could have answered any more questions with a straight face.

**Disclaimer**

After rereading this I realized that it would be easy to assume that I'm actually pregnant. This is not the case. Several weeks ago I had a miscarriage, and Makayla & Ellie wanted to know why I kept going to the doctor and taking new medicines, etc. I figured they were old enough for me to tell them. Ever since then, Ellie has been extremely curious about people's bodies and pregnancy and all things baby.

Birthday

Today is my angel baby's birthday.

I have written and erased several posts in the last 15 minutes. I can't decide how I feel.
A little angry.
A little sad.
A little peaceful.
A little happy?
A lot numb.
All appropriate, I think.

I still haven't decided if I want to celebrate in some way. Sometimes I think yes. Sometimes I think no. So far, today just feels very confusing.

2012

I love a new year! I love feeling like I get a fresh start. I love resolutions--even though I think most people don't take them seriously and make the same ones every year without actually working toward them.

So here are my 2012 resolutions and goals. (In my mind a resolution is a determination to act or be a certain way; whereas, goals are concrete things to work towards and accomplish.)

1. I resolve to be more kind. It's not that I'm completely thoughtless and mean. I just think I could make a more conscious effort to show kindness to family, friends and strangers.

2. Continue working towards my weight loss and getting healthy goal. I started exercising and watching what I eat in September. I feel stronger. I have more energy. And as a result of my positive changes, I am losing weight. I will reach my weight loss goal in August or September.

3. Take more pictures. Every day since Sammy died I wish that I had more pictures and videos of her. I don't want to wake up one day and wish the same thing about my other children. I'm not crazy enough to think I could ever do one of those picture-a-day challenges. That's just not me. But what I can do is get my camera out a little more often.

4. Pay off some debt. We currently have 2 car loans, 2 student loans, and a small amount on our low-interest credit card. My goal is to pay off 2 of the 5 by the end of December.

I'm going to write these down and keep them by my desk where I will see them every day. And by this time next year I will be a kinder, smaller, richer person.

Here's to 2012 being better to me than 2011!!

Ellie's Broken Arm

I kinda forgot that I hadn't blogged about Ellie's broken arm until I read a comment on my last post that asked about it.

Yes, Ellie did break her arm. On the 14th of December while I was shaking my booty at Zumba, Kasey was home watching Ellie and Kimberly. When I got home, Kasey told me that Ellie fell down the stairs and hurt her wrist. I looked at it and sure enough, it was swollen. I asked her to let me look at it and she pulled away. "No mom! Don't touch it! It huuuuurts!!" So we iced it and called the doctor.

A few hours later we got in to the doctor's office. After telling the nurse what happened she said, "I'll give you twenty dollars if it isn't broken."

We ran over to the hospital to get some x-rays. Not only was her arm broken, but both bones in her arm were broken. She had what the doctor called a "buckle" fracture. I'm not great at explaining it, but if you are interested there is an explanation here.

She got a pretty pink cast (they were all out of purple), and we went on our way. Ellie loves having everyone sign her cast. She especially loves the "pirate ship" her grandpa drew on it.

A quick x-ray this morning showed that her bones are healing nicely, and she will get her cast off a week from today. I can hardly wait! I'm getting kinda tired of helping 2 kids pull up their pants after going potty.

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On an unrelated note: I really love this picture. I love the idea that Sammy is watching over her sisters from Heaven. I know she is!

Christmas

I managed to put up a tree and a decoration or two. (Actually, that's not true. My mom put up my tree and Makayla & Ellie decorated it.) Kasey and I bought some presents. The girls loved them!

I've been crying for the past 3 days. I'm glad Christmas is over. Hopefully next year will be easier.

Getting Ready For Christmas. Or Not.

This holiday season is proving quite difficult. More so than I expected. I'm very emotional and not at all in the "Christmas Spirit."

This girl, who every year can hardly stand to wait til Thanksgiving is over to start the Christmas music, has not played one carol yet.

This girl, who loves Christmas countdowns and advent calendars, has not bothered to dig them out of storage.

This girl, who 2 years ago had all her Christmas shopping completed by NOVEMBER!, has not bought 1 gift for her children.

This girl, who can't wait for the sun to go down and drive around town looking at Christmas lights and decorations, has only gone out once to do so--preferring, instead, to stay home with the curtains drawn.

I just can't feel the excitement that I usually do. It all feels so hollow and contrived. I'm really hoping to get it together. If not for me, then definitely for my girls.

Snow!!

We bought a new house in September (more on that later) and one of our favorite things about it is the Humongous back yard!! Yesterday we got about 12 inches of new snow. Kasey and the girls had so much fun playing outside in it.

Kimberly attempting a snow angel

Makayla & Kimberly loved tackling Daddy in the snow.

(I think he liked it too!)

"Look Mom! It's wintertime!"

Ellie and Makayla making snow angels on the deck.

10 Months Old

Sammy would be 10 months old today. 10 months! I think of her every day of the month, but especially on the 15th. I find myself wondering what she would be doing. Crawling for sure. Standing up to the furniture maybe. Saying mama and dada. She would probably have some sort of sound to represent each sister. I wonder what would be her favorite food. Would she favor one blanket or toy above the others? Would her eyes have stayed blue? (I always think about that one.) I wonder who she would look like. In some of her pictures she looks like Ellie and others more like Kimberly. Which is strange because Kimberly and Ellie looked nothing alike as babies. At least I don't think so.

Sammy, 5 weeks

Makayla, 12 months (for some reason I can't find any of her at 10 months)

Ellie, 9-1/2 months

Kimberly, 10 months

It's so hard to tell who she would look like. Maybe that's because she just looks like Sammy.

Snowman Fridge

A friend showed me this idea on pinterest. I thought it was so cute that I came home and did it to my fridge. Makayla and Ellie had a blast cutting out the pieces and taping them on the fridge. I love snowmen! This makes me smile every time I walk by it.

Bitter Sweet

See these sweaters? I ordered them in February. They arrived in March. I ordered them a size big for each girl. I was so excited for all four girls to wear them this fall. I had kind of forgotten about them until Makayla put hers on for school. Then Ellie came out of her room with her sweater on. Then Kimmy ran to her room shouting, "I want to match!" It wasn't until I saw all three of them together that I remembered there was another sweater. A little matching sweater size 9 months that was supposed to be for my 9-1/2 month old baby. I started searching through boxes frantically with tears running down my cheeks. And then I found it. I lined up the girls on the couch with their matchy sweaters, just like I had planned to do in February when I ordered them. It was so fun for me to see all the girls lined up there. It reminded me of pictures of me and my sisters lined up in matchy dresses when we were younger. But as fun as it was, it was also a little sad. Sad to see that tiny little sweater that will never be worn by my tiny little girl who left this earth far too soon.

A Moment of Joy

This is the only picture I have of my entire family. It was taken on March 6, Sammy's blessing day. It brings me so much joy!

Please Ask

Mothers love talking about their kids. If you have kids, this comes as no surprise to you, I'm sure. I'm eager to talk about any one of my girls to anyone that will listen. Why do you think I blog? To brag about my adorable children, of course! Samantha is no exception. Even though she isn't here with me physically, I carry her around in my heart and mind daily. And just because I can't share the first time she rolled over or the face she made upon tasting green beans for the first time or any other little milestone, doesn't mean I don't want to share things from those precious 8 weeks I had with her. This includes her death and funeral.

I find that people are hesitant to talk to me about her, even though they may be curious. I think there is the fear that it is too difficult to talk about or that they will inadvertently offend me. That may be true for other mothers, but for me that is not the case. You will not offend me by asking questions, and it is not difficult for me to talk about.

If there is something you want to know, just ask! I assure you that answering a difficult question is far better than being avoided because you don't know what to say. Remember! I love talking about my kids! ;)

On Being a Better Mother

I haven't written anything here for a long time. You may think it's because I'm struggling, but actually just the opposite is true. When I stop and consider my life, with all its ups and downs, I find that not only am I happy, but I am thriving!

Sammy's death has given me such a new perspective. I look at things in a whole new light. And it has become so much easier to dismiss things that aren't important and to fight for the things that are. Maybe the very best thing that has come from losing Sammy is how I am raising her sisters. The question I am constantly asking myself is, "If I were to lose her tonight, would I have wished I had done things differently?" I ask myself this when they ask for a Popsicle, when they want to set up the pool or go to the park, when they want me to lay next to them for just one more minute or read just one more story. Because in the grand scheme of things, what does it hurt to have an extra treat? What does it hurt to take 10 minutes to set up the pool? What does it hurt to get in extra snuggles with the ones I love the most? The answer is it hurts nothing. It only makes life more enjoyable and full of love.

Sammy has given her sisters the most amazing gift. She has given them a more attentive, a more thoughtful, a more loving mother.

Moving On, But Not Forgetting

I did something today that I didn't think I would be able to do for months. I got up the courage to put Sammy's things away. For the past 6, almost 7, weeks I have been wrestling with myself about packing away her clothes and blankets and diapers.

Today I decided I was ready. Well, mostly ready. I packed away the diapers, saving them for the day when another special spirit will join our family. I boxed up the blankets, except for the ones that still smell like Sammy. Those I keep by my bed for nights when I am especially missing my baby. I finally put away those last few outfits in her dresser. I'm not quite ready for her clothes to go to storage. But putting them in the drawer, out of sight, but within an arm's reach, is a big step for me.

I will never forget my baby. But I'm glad that I'm starting to move on with life.

Three Months

Yesterday was a hard day. Sammy would have been 3 months old. As I looked at pictures, I noticed how much she changed from birth to one month and one month to two months. I couldn't help but think about how much she would have changed from two months to three months.

She was such a strong baby--even the doctor at the hospital commented on her strength. She held her own head up for the first time when she was only 1 day old. She just lifted her head off my chest and looked around. It makes me wonder if she would be rolling over yet. Would she lift herself up and rest on her forearms during tummy time yet? Would her eyes still be blue? or would they have changed to brown like Kimberly's did? Would she have laughed for the first time yet? What would her voice sound like when she cooed at me for the first time? How much would she weigh now? These and a hundred other questions filled my mind yesterday, and I'm sure they will on the 15th of every month.

I am so heart-broken for what would have been.

Autopsy Results

Kasey and I visited with Sammy's doctor last week. He said he received the autopsy results for Sammy. Apparently she died of a rare combination of RSV and Influenza A which caused sleep apnea. She just went to sleep. She didn't suffer. She wasn't in pain. She just took her final breath and slipped peacefully away.

Dr Y had been on the phone all morning with doctors from the CDC and Infectious Disease Specialists. What they told him was that the combination of the 2 diseases was too much for her little body to handle. It hit her hard and fast--she died within 72 hours of her first symptoms. I guess the thing that brought me the most comfort was when Dr Y said that even if Sammy had been in the hospital, the chances of her surviving were extremely slim.

What a blessing to know that if she had to die, she did it in our home where she was surrounded by the people who loved her most! What a blessing that she didn't die alone in a cold, sterile hospital hooked up to machines!

As I look back on the past 2 months I see so clearly how the Lord has prepared us to deal with this tragedy. And when I think of those things, I begin to feel at peace.

Aching For My Baby

My lips long to kiss [her] brow
My eyes yearn to see
My arms ache to call [her] back, to hold close to me.

These are words from the song sung at Sammy's funeral on Friday. They have never felt truer than tonight. I want so desperately to hold her and rock her and sing to her. To kiss her little head and nuzzle my nose in her neck. I miss her smell, her toes, her warmth. I miss her cry and how she still squeaked when she slept. I would give anything to change one more poopy diaper or be puked on one more time. I wish I had given her just one more bath or kissed her just one more time or held her for just one more minute. I miss my Sammy!

My Sammy

Born: January 15, 2011

Died: March 13, 2011

Our sweet Sammy returned to heaven on Sunday. We are devastated. Never in a million years would I think this is something we would have to endure. I feel like this nightmare belongs to someone else and wish I could wake up from what surely must be a dream.

We cherish every moment we had with Sammy and every picture that was taken; although, now it feels like there aren't enough of either.

I know there are questions about how she died. We have an idea what happened, but until we get the final autopsy report I don't want to say anything.

If I may, I ask you to please pray for our family. The help of our loving Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ is the only way we will be able to make it through this.

The Newest Addition

Meet Samantha Marie

Here she is at 3 weeks.

She weighed 7lbs 6oz and measured 18-3/4 inches at birth. It's quite a story, but one that will have to wait for another time. I can't count how many times people told me that going from 3 to 4 kids is way easier than going from 2 to 3. I beg to differ. It's been a big adjustment and I am only now starting to figure out how to keep up with 4 kids and laundry and dishes and cleaning and showering (myself and the kiddos) and feeding everyone 3 times a day, etc. As you can imagine, blogging is not exactly on the top of my to-do list. I'll get to it when I can. But in the mean time, don't expect much.

Oreos!

What could be better than oreos with Daddy?



Not much!

It's been a really long time since I posted a picture of Kimberly (or any of my girls for that matter). She's changed so much since June!