Cafe Preggers

I read this in one of the many magazines the doctor's office gave me at my initial visit. I thought it was funny--probably because it's pretty close to how things actually are for me.

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We always have just what you want, at any stage of pregnancy--from the queasy beginning to those last weeks when the baby has taken up every ounce of spare room in your belly.

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First Trimester Menu

Appetizer

Tums compote

Entree

Fresh Saltines on a bed of Saltines, lightly seasoned with Saltines

Beverage

Ginger ale (IV drip available upon request)

Dessert

Ten minutes in a dim room with an ice bag on your head

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Second Trimester Menu

Appetizer

Half a roast chicken, extra crispy

Entree

A succulent leg of lamb smothered in pork chops, served with BBQ ribs and garnished with cheeseburgers (all burnt beyond recognition for your safety)

Beverage

Toll House-pie smoothie, prepared with 1/2 pint heavy cream

Dessert

9" x 16" pan of double-fudge brownies

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Third Trimester Menu

(Each course followed by 15-minute neck massage and/or bathroom break.)

Appetizer

Three bites of tossed salad

Entree

Two bites of lasagna

Beverage

None--so you'll have room for dessert

Dessert

A Tic Tac